Not So Notable Quotables
Throughout the years Jay and I have hosted several parties and drunken get-togethers, during which, we’ve had some funny quotes that should not be forgotten. (And then sometimes it’s the kids who make us laugh out loud.) Following are a few of our favorites:
1. “Don’t Worry She’s Somewhere” Jay telling a New Years Eve party guest not to worry about her insane friend (crazy Amber) who just took off in the middle of the night to God knows where.
2. “This Skeems Peptical” Jason trying to accuse me of filling his flip-cups too full of beer during our ‘competition.’ I think he meant that he was skeptical of my uneven pouring process.
3. “I’m not f***ing Goldilocks alright?!” Keri telling Josh Cone to stop calling her Goldilocks when she was clearly dressed as Princess Fiona and her husband was Shrek.
4. “Did you just look in the fridge to check on the Pizza Rolls?” Larry to me (Irene) when I was so ’tipsy’ that instead of looking in the oven to check the status of the pizza rolls, I opened the fridge and peeked in there. (FYI, they were not done.)
5. “So What Grade are You In?” Christie E. to Lakyn on our way home from an OSU game where all of us ladies had a little too much to drink. Lakyn’s response…”still the 3rd grade” after Christie had asked 5 times! That didn’t stop her from going on to inquire what Lakyn’s favorite subject was (6 times)… it was Math.
6. “Someone Should just Pull that White Cord.” Darren to me at Lainey’s first birthday party during what was supposed to be a ‘balloon drop’ but became yet another chaotic event when none of the balloons dropped because the white cord (which Lakyn had already pulled 3 times) failed to separate the plastic holding the balloons…. thanks Captain Obvious.
7. “What the f***, Someone Put a Plastic Baby in this Piece of Cake! Why would someone do that?” Kevin to whomever would listen in the newsroom when he bit into a King Cake on Fat Tuesday. Kevin apparently did not know the tradition of the Baby Jesus in the King Cake (whoever gets that lucky piece of cake must host the next party) and being Jewish, Kevin did not find it nearly as ironic as we did that he nearly choked on the Baby Jesus.
8. “Thank Goodness He Landed on Those Dog Beds.” My mother talking about Jay as he laid outside in pain after falling off the ladder. Jay was able to grunt out in protest that he in fact did NOT land on the dog beds but crawled over to them in pain after falling onto the metal ladder and then the wood deck while shocked neighbors looked on in horror.
9. “Clearly, Those People Hate Pumpkins!” An appalled Lakyn (at age 3) commenting on kids who had smashed pumpkins all over Cooke Road after Halloween Night 1999.
10. “Cool, this is one of those CROUTON beds.” Lakyn showing me a futon bed in Meijer. Even when I asked her what kind of bed it was… she repeated the word crouton.
12. “Goodnight Mommy and I WILL pick my nose in the dark!” Connor to Missy as she tucked him in after a long day of constantly reminding the toddler to stop picking his nose (his new ‘thing’).
13. “Whatever Betty” Kristina to Irene when she was telling a story about a girl she doesn’t like… the girl’s name wasn’t Betty but Kristina couldn’t remember in her fit of rage and since she’d had too much wine.
14. “Is this all really necessary to buy carpet?” Kristina to the carpet salesman who was processing our ‘purchase’ using the ‘borrowed’ credit card of a complete asshole who -once he realized it - decided we deserved his ‘gift’ of new carpet in our college apartment.
15. “Do we get pizza if the Pope dies?” “A” to Irene after a very long day in the newsroom without food (we were pregnant and knew as managers we’d be stuck on the breaking news of the Pope death all night). I blame the hunger for “A’s” blasphemy.
16. “You don’t have to smoke pot to be stupid.” Christie to Tricia when talking about a guy she dated (who incidentally was not on drugs but was still an idiot).
17. “Do you need me to drive because obviously I’ve been drinking tonic all night?” Lisa to Jay after discovering that Darren had been giving her straight tonic for 2 hours since she got very drunk at the company Christmas party.
18. “And the Braaaaackets! Tell them about the braaaackets honey!” Lisa yelling in the background of a 2am phone call from Darren to us. Darren called (after we’d all been out together for hours) to let us know that Lisa fell in the bathroom and knocked pictures off the walls, tore down the shower curtain… and apparently also the brackets holding the shower curtain up.
19. “At that table you’re either winning or you’re losing.” Jay to Irene in Vegas when watching a roulette table hit the same numbers over and over. But aren’t you either winning or losing at all tables in Vegas?
20. “I think the midget gave him a shot.” Tricia to Irene and Jay when talking about the fact that Jason fell asleep at 9:30pm in Vegas. Tricia was referring to the midget at O’Sheas casino that gives out free shots. Jason did not get a free shot by the way.
21. “Hanging out with you girls is the tops!” Jason to Irene and Tricia while hanging out with us all day in Vegas. Seriously, the tops… what are you 87 years old?
22. “Jay if you need me to drive, I will. I can totally see out of both eyes.” Jason to Jay. After I laughed at him, he tried to defend himself by saying “You know how sometimes when you drink you only have one good eye?” My answer was and still is… “What the???”
